I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
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you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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