pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize