and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
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I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize