are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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