Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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