Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
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i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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