So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
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Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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