dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
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There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
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I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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