He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
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All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
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I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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