I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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