I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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