Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize