you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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