I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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