party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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