420 ftw
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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