jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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