I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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