i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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