I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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