Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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