guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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