Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
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Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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