Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
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Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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