i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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