I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
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i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
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If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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