I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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