Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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