I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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