She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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