Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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