I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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