listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
