What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
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I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
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It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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