Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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