If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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