capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize