sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize