How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize