I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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