then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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