She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
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he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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