Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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