the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
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I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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