My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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