As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
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Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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