you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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