yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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