I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
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He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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