Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it glows. i had to have it.
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I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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